


Boy With A Kaleidoscope Mind

by theandrogynousdragon



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Bisexual Regulus Black, Bisexual Xenophilius Lovegood, Drowning, F/M, I can't help myself apparently, I'm Sorry, In the Beginning, Inferi, It's the thought that counts, Legilimens Pandora Lovegood, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Multi, Non-Linear Narrative, Overuse Of Parentheses, POV Regulus Black, Personal Time Loop, Polyamorous Character, Polyamory, Regulus Black Dies, Regulus Black Needs a Hug, Regulus Black is a Seer, Sirius Black is not a very good sibling, Sort Of, Temporary Character Death, Threesome - F/M/M, Time Loop, brief implied suicidal ideations, he tries though, mild possessive behavior, of sorts, slightly unhealthy approach to love and relationships, they should all be in wizard therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-12
Updated: 2020-05-12
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:35:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24142942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theandrogynousdragon/pseuds/theandrogynousdragon
Summary: Regulus Black has always known how he will die. He drowns regardless.
Relationships: Pandora Lovegood/Xenophilius Lovegood, Regulus Black/Pandora Lovegood, Regulus Black/Xenophilius Lovegood
Comments: 22
Kudos: 96





	Boy With A Kaleidoscope Mind

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Italiano available: [Boy With A Kaleidoscope Mind](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25994839) by [Bledyn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bledyn/pseuds/Bledyn)
  * Inspired by [Restricted Work] by [PraenomenSobriquet](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PraenomenSobriquet/pseuds/PraenomenSobriquet). Log in to view. 



Regulus Black is not truly _present_ , ever. He sees everything in his life, everything that will happen to him, all at once, all the time. He wonders frequently if he is going mad. Has gone mad. Will be mad.

He is thirteen, he is five, he is drowning, he is nine, he has not yet been born. He feels a kinship with Cassandra, with Tiresias, with Pythia and Taliesin and Pasiphaë and Bran ap Llyr and the Vates. Regulus Black has two friends in his year: Xenophilius Lovegood, a Ravenclaw, and Pandora Gallagher, a fellow Slytherin. Xeno sees things no one else does, and Pandora can hear people's thoughts with a look in their eyes. He knows, years before he meets her, that she is an untrained Legilimens and it is halfway to driving her mad by the time she is twelve. (He helps her as best he can, and it never gets more than halfway.) Some of his dorm mates question his friendship with such strange people, but he doesn't care. They _understand_ him, and such a thing is precious.

(He is thirteen, he is five, he is drowning, he is nine, he has not yet been born. “I see _everything_ , all at once,” he whispers, laying on the roof of the Astronomy Tower, neatly sandwiched between Xeno and Pandora. He will never tell this to anyone else, not Kreacher, not his mother, not even Sirius.

Xeno nods, his eyes too old for the child his body still is, “I know what that's like, a little.”

Pandora smiles, “I know you do, Regulus. I can hear it.” And he knows he will love these people, Xeno with his wild white hair and permanently fever-bright green eyes and endless theories, Dora with her sleek blonde curls and big blue eyes that see too much. He knows he will love them—does love them, has loved them—fiercely, ruthlessly, with all that he is. He cannot love any other way. One way among many that his family has damned him. Those of the House of Black love with their whole being or not at all. Mercurial, the entire lot.) 

He is five, he is drowning, he is nine, he has not yet been born, he is thirteen. He knows, long before anyone else, that Sirius, who loves him now, will hate him utterly at sixteen. He knows Sirius will leave, has already left. Sirius is fourteen and a Gryffindor. Sirius is six years old and utterly convinced he will be a Slytherin. Sirius has always been loud, will never know how to keep his head down. Sirius hates him, only that hasn't happened yet (has it?). Regulus tries not to be hurt by sixteen-year-old Sirius' words as seven-year-old Sirius holds him during a thunderstorm. He never quite manages it, and he knows Sirius is hurt in turn by his actions. Regulus consoles himself that in ten years Sirius will be throwing hexes at him, so it doesn't matter. (He never quite manages to convince himself that it doesn't.)

He is nine, he has not yet been born, he is thirteen, he is five, he is drowning. He loathes water, even baths, and never learns how to swim. He nearly drowns off Blackpool pier two days after his ninth birthday, and thinks it horribly ironic as he slips beneath the water.

He is fifteen, and knows he is more present than any other time in his life. Sirius hexed him, screaming hatred, for the first time six days ago. It hurt, but even then he laughed a little because _oh, it's all coming together now, isn't it_? (Sirius had looked unnerved, and asked if he'd gone mad. Regulus just laughed harder because he has always been mad, will always be losing his mind every day of his life.) But this, _this_ he is present for, and sees nothing of the past or future for one, shining moment as Xeno kisses him lazily while Dora giggles and plays with his hair. Then Dora tugs at his shirt, so he looks at her, and she kisses him too. Regulus sighs happily into her mouth, and wishes he could relive this moment on an endless loop.

He is drowning, he is nine, he has not yet been born, he is thirteen, he is five. Regulus had felt so _guilty_ for taking the damn Mark, when he didn't believe in any of that to begin with (a gruesome puzzle piece slotting into place). How could he, when he had known Voldemort's secret since he was old enough to realize what he was seeing? When he knew Kreacher would nearly die because of that man's callousness? Xeno and Dora had reassured him that they loved him regardless. “And besides,” Dora said bluntly. “This way you can pass information and no one will suspect you.” He still feels guilty, especially when Kreacher gets hurt because he knew about it, will always know that the Dark Lord will ask for a house elf and Regulus will offer Kreacher, and still does nothing to stop it. His lovers know about his drowning, his death, because he couldn't bear not to tell them. Xeno tells him it's a suicide mission. Regulus goes to the cave anyway.

He has known the moment of his death his entire life. He has never been particularly attached to living, despite everything.

He is wearing one of Xeno's glaringly orange jumpers, Dora's fluffy purple socks on his feet hidden by a pair of Sirius' clunky old boots. An embroidered handkerchief that had once belonged to Andromeda is in his pocket. He gets in the boat, arrives at the little island, drinks the terrible potion, orders Kreacher to leave. Is pulled under by Inferi. Has been pulled under. Will be pulled under. He is drowning, he has not yet been born. He breathes in, lungs burning, begging to any god that might hear him to just please let it all _stop_.

He has not yet been born, and he sees something that will happen beyond his drowning for once. Pandora will have a daughter who inherits her mother's madness but not her Legilimency, who will have Xeno's fever-bright eyes that see things no one else does. They will name her for the moon and Regulus's cousin Andromeda. She will have Regulus's quiet ruthlessness, his ferocity, without being related to him beyond his being a lover of her parents. She will never know him in anything other than stories, and he will never get to meet her. She will be, is, has been brilliant, and strange, and just a little mad. He loves her fiercely, ruthlessly, with all that he is.

He drags in a lungful of lake water, rotting hands dragging him further from the surface. 

He is fifteen, and he _knows_ \- 


End file.
